Every so often it's the insignificant things that sincerely mean the most. It was around lunch time when my mobile phone rang, and on the other end Wolfie was calling. Absolutely surprised, I picked up the phone naturally assuming he was taking his lunch break. Recently, I've had the feeling that he and I were drifting apart, with an enormous mountain looming in front of us. This afternoon those foolish feelings would change. This small gesture instantly made those feeling go away.
This morning as Wolfie was driving to work, he and I spoke on the phone.
It seems like I never recall what we talk about, and this time is no different. When I hear his voice, I’m transported into a dream world where I think of what life will be like once we get over the mountain that we have to climb. There’s nothing more that I love at this point in my life other than him, and to hear his voice. What seemed like only 5 minutes, but I’m sure it was longer, he was at work and had to go. Somehow today we were able to text more than I thought we were going to be able to with him back on the floor of the plant. This was a wonderful surprise and a much needed feeling of being close once again. That feeling would be taken to the next level when he called in the middle of his work day. When the phone rang and I saw it was Wolfie, I assumed he was on his lunch break. He wasn’t though, he was headed somewhere outside going to another building or something. This small gesture made me feel like I belonged to him and that we were officially together. Up until this point I hadn’t felt that way. In fact I was feeling quite the opposite. With him switching jobs, and this damn mountain we are on, it felt like we were drifting apart. That all changed today.
Before it was time for Wolfie to get off work my case manager called today to do a 20 question questionnaire. It in fact didn’t take long to complete, but I kept her on the phone forever talking about this stupid virus. If I only had known the time, I would have shut my pie hole because as I’m yapping my mouth the phone rings on the other line. Not unexpectedly it was Wolfie, and I couldn’t respond. This did bother me at first, but unlike it has been over the past weekend and so far this week, we chatted a little bit more. When he went to bed, we talked for just a little bit before he was tired. Before he went to sleep, I willingly promised him some good pictures today. So, after writing and posting today I’m positively going to achieve precisely this. He was already informed that it might not be when he wakes up, but he’ll get it while he’s at work more than likely.
Tomorrow will represent 5 months since I last saw my ex’s face. That’s virtually half of a year ago. Oh whoa, that looked incredible as I typed it. Half a year? Before I can comprehend it, it will be a year. It doesn’t seem like that long ago that the 9th of the month would cause me significant depression. Not only depression but getting in that horrible state of mind that I’m going to die without him. How things have changed, and I’m so thankful, blessed, and grateful that it’s over. Absolutely, I think about him. Worrying about him only because of the crazy coronavirus, but I think that’s normal right? Regardless, I did reach out to him today just to check to make sure he remains corona free. The last time we communicated, he was very short, and he was pretty much an arrogant prick. Today would be pretty much the same. One or two word answers, giving off a go duck yourself attitude. Yes, I know I just typed duck, use your imagination.
Well, unlike the last time, I spoke up today. All I was doing was being a caring friend, to find out how he’s been feeling and give him what information I had researched on the coronavirus. After about the 3rd or 4th time of him throwing me attitude, I simply went off. Telling him that his ducking attitude sucks, and he was bringing me down to his level. Told him that if he wanted to get a hold of me when he was in a better mood, that he knew how to reach me. Surprisingly, he didn’t have anything else to say to me that was being a smart ass. For real though, I thought I wouldn’t hear from him again because I spoke my mind. Usually, when I do that he gets all pissy. Later on in the day at some point, I think low and behold he messaged. He told me he was eating what used to be my favorite meal. BLT sandwiches. Delicious! During the conversation he also informed me that the doctor had called back and that he had to go to the hospital on Friday to do a chest x-ray. This little bit I’m really terrified about. We may not be together any longer, but god forbid something tragic ends up going wrong and this man inevitably dies? This will undoubtedly make me jump off of the cliff. It will be a personal setback, that I don’t think I’ll be coming back from.
When I first sat down to dutifully write in my personal journal tonight, I planned on setting free my political opinion on this darn coronavirus. The more I inevitably see and hear, the more that gets out, I get more pissed. I’m not probing it right now, but you can bet it’s assuredly coming. I genuinely have to let it out, or it will devour me on the inside.
Born October 11th, 1975 in a small township in Missouri. Reared by a stay-at-home mom and a furniture factory working stepdad. With three siblings plus myself all my parents could afford was a simple existence, but I wouldn’t exchange those days with anyone or for nothing. I’m second to the oldest child with an older sister who is three years my senior. A brother who is three years younger than me, and our baby sister who is three years younger than my brother. Twenty days after my twenty-first birth on Halloween 1996, we suffered the loss of our precious mother. Our lives were altered instantly. Nothing for me has been normal since. I've found a "new" normal yet it's nowhere near the same. When 2020 began, my mother was extremely near, and she hadn't left. It will be soon, and I'll be in her arms again.