Not that I need to be protected, but yeah it would be nice to have someone here with me if things got awful. I’ve always said that if the world gets too crazy I would bug out in the mountains away from everyone. This would be terrifying, and extremely lonely to do by myself. Nicholas and I talked about this topic before, and he was going to be my protector and bug out buddy. Oh how things have changed.
Yesterday was a good day up until the time I went out to pick my sister up from work at 9 p.m. As soon as I sat in the car a huge lightning bolt struck right next to the car, and a wet monsoon came down out of the sky. On the way there I drove very slow, it was next to impossible to see, and I wasn’t trying to have a wreck. Getting scared and freaked out because of the lightning and the rain, together made it seem like the end of the world had arrived, I called my good friend William. My first choice of course would have been Nicholas, but if I had called him, he wouldn’t have answered. This is the second time in a week that I’ve needed Nicholas to calm me down, and comfort me, and he’s not been there. More about this later.
So, on the way to my sister’s job, William and I started talking about this virus “freak out” that’s going on. I’m guessing to take my mind off the horrible conditions I was driving in, but as the conversation progressed I started to panic. The topic had shifted from the actual virus to what’s going on in the big picture, as it relates to the bible. With my insides shaking, and a panic attack coming, I picked up my sister. William continued to talk with my sister now in the conversation. I needed food, so I drove to the store to get some cereal and milk. Hell, at this point who knows when the next time we will be allowed out of our homes. Standing in line to pay for my stuff, I started shaking again, and the tears were next to impossible to hold back. Managing to hold myself together, I paid, then ran to the car getting soaked. When I got in the car my sister and William were still talking about the big picture, and the aftermath it’s going to cause. We pulled out of the parking lot of the store, and headed to our last stop, the gas station. My sister ran in, to get what she needed while I continued to talk to William. When she came back to the car, I had already hung up the phone, because I couldn’t hold my tears any longer. Crying, and really starting to feel this panic attack, when my sister got in the car she looked at me and asked “are you alright?” I said yes, and we headed home. At the end of the conversation with William, he made me promise to message him when we made it home. After making a bowl of cereal I sat down, and did just that. Crying, shaking, and not being able to control the panic, I was unable to eat. I poured the cereal out, and laid down in my bed. As I laid there the room started to spin, and I shut my eyes. Before I fell asleep I wanted to talk to Nicholas terribly bad, so I messaged him. He actually replied, and we messaged for a little while. I know that he could tell I was panicking, but not once did he offer to call to try to calm me down. Doing so would have helped a lot, the sound of his voice would have instantly soothed me. Frustrated, angry, and in the middle of a full-blown panic attack, I laid my phone down next to me, and the next thing I knew, it was 4 p.m.
Today when I woke up I still felt out of sorts. As lightheaded as I was, I still managed to get done what needed to be done. One thing that I clearly remember about last night, and have thought about all day, is the thought of being alone if something bad were to happen. Not that I need to be protected, but yeah it would be nice to have someone here with me if things got awful. I’ve always said that if the world gets too crazy I would bug out in the mountains away from everyone. This would be terrifying, and extremely lonely to do by myself. Nicholas and I talked about this topic before, and he was going to be my protector and bug out buddy. Oh how things have changed.
I had written Nicholas a long message pouring my heart out before the panic attack situation happened. I was questioning why we couldn’t have a long distance relationship like we had back in 2015 before he moved here in 2016. He never answered, in fact, he ignored that message all together. Over the past week, and especially after last night, my heart has started to change. There has just been too many times that I’ve really needed him, and he wasn’t there for me. He’s done, and said things that shook me because they reminded me of the past when we were together. When he messaged me on March 7th, on my public page, I unblocked his personal profile to see if he had unblocked me. He had, so I left him unblocked to see if I would ever get a friend request. Since I never did, and he was starting to put distance between us again, a few days ago I went ahead and blocked his personal profile again.
Really disgusted, and tired of missing him I’m ready to put an impenetrable barrier between us. While I was talking to a friend about this, he told me to take baby steps. He told me not to do anything drastic, and without making sure this is exactly what I want. I’ve been okay with blocking his personal page. It hasn’t bothered me, and I feel like one door has been nailed shut. After last night, I believe I’m going to take the next step. Not sure how to do it yet, but I’m going to figure out how to block him from my public page. I will let that ride for a while, and see how I feel about it. If that doesn’t bother me, in some time, I’ll finally block him on my phone. That will be a tough one, but honestly I don’t think so, because I’m so sick of the whole situation, and my heart needs to be allowed to let someone else in. There will be one spot that I won’t be able to block him from, well I don’t think so anyway, and that’s my website. If he leaves a comment there however, I screen them first and all I will have to do is not read it, and delete it. Yes, I’ll know he’s trying to make contact, but I won’t know why if I don’t read it. I’ve said it before, yet this time I truly believe my heart is ready to let him go. Yes things are different this time since talking to him again, but he’s still causing me pain and suffering that I don’t deserve.
When I felt that God awful feeling last night of being alone and dying, it shook me, and when I woke up that feeling was still there. I’ve thought about it all day, and what I know is if I choose not to be alone, I don’t have to be. All I have to do is tear down this barrier that I’ve put up to protect me, and SLOWLY let someone else in. I believe at this point that’s one of the main reasons why I grasp onto hope with Nicholas, is because it’s right down scary to let someone else in. Afraid of getting hurt again, I simply have been trying to hold on to something I know, and something that I was comfortable with. This has begun to shift, and I thank my panic attack for it. What I went through last night, ALONE, doesn’t have to happen if I don’t want it to.
My journal entry was going to be about my faith and religious beliefs, but somehow it’s become quite something different from that. When I write, nothing is planned or thought out, I simply just sit down and start typing. I wanted to talk about my beliefs because it was a big part of why I panicked last night. If I contain myself tomorrow, I will go over that, and it will explain why I had an attack. It’s been a long time since I’ve had a panic attack, and I sure didn’t miss them either. In short, I’ve been told all my life I’m going to hell for being who I am. It’s bothered me my entire life since elementary school. Last night when William was explaining things from the bible, I got terrified, because of the fear that’s been instilled in me since forever ago. Hopefully I’m able to go into depth about this tomorrow because I think it might help me with the way I’m feeling today. None of this I can control, so really I just have to buckle up buttercup, and go on the ride.
In closing, I’m going to talk about my Facebook account, and someone whom I find charming and caring. Day before yesterday when I got out of bed, and turned on my computer, I had 24 friend requests on Facebook. As I said before, that’s not many, but more than I’ve ever gotten in one day. These requests haven’t stopped coming in either. I’ve accepted I don’t know how many, and blocked a couple hundred for being dogs. Now, I nearly have 900 friend requests that I still haven’t touched, and they continue to flow in. I didn’t change anything in my settings, well I did now, because I’m trying to get them to stop, but before all this, my settings have been set the same way forever. It’s crazy, but I’m dealing with it the best I can. Actually, some guy tonight call me an ugly jew bot ni*er bic*, because I couldn’t get to his message fast enough. I just shook my head then blocked him. Other than that, I’ve met a lot of really cool people, and have enjoyed talking to the ones I’ve gotten around to talking to.
The wave of friend requests that I got before this MASSIVE wave, I befriended a few gentlemen and a lot of other trans women. A couple of these men I speak to every day, and one, well two, of them are very special to me. I’m not in love with them, but one of them is making it very hard for me to fight those feelings. Out of everyone I’ve talked to, he shows me the most attention, and care. About two weeks ago I think, he asked me how my weight was doing. I might have talked to him about my weight, but I don’t remember. I’ve talked about it in my journal and to some people, but he asked me how I was doing with it. This touched my heart, and I haven’t forgotten about it either. Not one person, not even my family have asked me how my weight was doing. When Nicholas left I lost 40 lbs, thank god I’ve gained 5 of them back, but 40 lbs for me was a lot. Anyway, this gentleman and I talk every day, more than once a day, and I appreciate him very much. If you read this mister, you know who you are, and I just want to say thank you for caring.
Born October 11th, 1975 in a small township in Missouri. Reared by a stay-at-home mom and a furniture factory working stepdad. With three siblings plus myself all my parents could afford was a simple existence, but I wouldn’t exchange those days with anyone or for nothing. I’m second to the oldest child with an older sister who is three years my senior. A brother who is three years younger than me, and our baby sister who is three years younger than my brother. Twenty days after my twenty-first birth on Halloween 1996, we suffered the loss of our precious mother. Our lives were altered instantly. Nothing for me has been normal since. I've found a "new" normal yet it's nowhere near the same. When 2020 began, my mother was extremely near, and she hadn't left. It will be soon, and I'll be in her arms again.