Take the most heterosexual male we can imagine, looking in the mirror he sees breasts and a vagina on his body looking through the only tiny windows in his prison cell, his eyes. Imagine what that would do to the most heterosexual male. It’s a life of misery, and one many try to kill themselves to escape. The bulling, and right out discrimination doesn’t help either. Hell I typically never leave my house, because I fear that I will run across the wicked person who hates girls like me and will execute me.
Will I go to heaven or hell? During my life I’ve attended two different Christian schools. Beginningwith my kindergarten year, I went to Faith Tabernacle School, but at some point however, I was switched to Eugene Fields, a public school where I would stay till my sixth grade year. Next would be Southern Missouri Christian School during my eighth grade year. This switch I clearly remember. At the beginning of my eighth grade year, I contracted hepatitis A or B, I can’t remember which, but I was out most of that year due to this illness. When I recovered, and it was time to go back to school, I threw a fit, because I was tired of being bullied. Refusing to go back to school, the truancy officers started hounding my mother, and she finally agreed to let me go to a Christian school. There wasn’t a day that went by that I wasn’t called a faggot or asked inappropriate questions.
My family like most in the area that I live in are church goers. I would say Christians, but in my opinion they don’t act like Christians, and act more like hypocrites. In fact this is my opinion on most people who claim to be “Christians” From an early age, I can remember aunts, uncles, grandparents, my mother, and my father, talking about how homosexuality was a sin, and this act would send you to hell. Hearing this so much, it seemed like they knew I was different. Let me add, that from as early as I can remember, I knew that I was attracted to men. Also, I knew that something was wrong with me, because when I looked in the mirror, the image that I saw didn’t match how I felt in my soul, and in my brain. With that said, as I was growing up, and constantly, and what seemed like being drilled in my head, hearing that people like ME go to hell, I became terrified.
My mother never forced us to go to church, but for some reason the four of us kids chose to go. As a child, of course, the best times in church were vacation bible school, but we usually would go to Sunday school and on occasion Sunday night service, and Wednesday night service. In these sermons, not all, but some, they too would talk about men laying with men and how it’s an abomination. So, now I’m hearing it at home, and in church, and this makes me even more terrified than ever. It just didn’t seem fair, why would god create me the way he did, then have all the adults who are supposed to guard and protect me, say I’m going to go to hell if I lived my life the way I felt on the inside? Still to this day I don’t have the answer and probably will never until God and I get to talk.
Understanding the bible is something that has never come easy to me. I’m not an idiot, and am educated, why is it so hard to understand? It’s written in a way that many people interpret it in many different ways. There are so many different religions, and they each think they are the only ones going to heaven. Basically saying, believe our way, or you go to hell. How is that? One actually believes, only a certain number will go to heaven. That’s right out crazy to me. What about good and righteous people? I guess they go to hell along with the other “sinners”? So, as I grew up and decided to live my life as I felt it should be lived, I began to not agree with what I call organized religion. You recall the ones where the church is a palace, and the preachers, deacons, and treasury secretaries drive nicer vehicles, and live in nicer homes than that of the followers. Churches in my opinion have gone from a place to worship god, to a money making machine for a select few.
The bible, also what I grasp about it, was written by several different men, over a long period of time. Therefore this is a historical story “translated” from another language many years ago by many men. That’s just the King James version. Today, there are many versions of this story, each with their own interpretation, generally dumbed down so the average folks can read it, you know people like me. Now, today when preachers read from the bible, they interpret it in their own way, each doing so differently. Another question I entertain is why are there chapters and verses left out of what we recognize as the current bible? I believe some of these chapters were known about when the bible was written, and some found later. Ergo, why not rewrite the bible, including these left out, and newly discovered scriptures? The sole reason I believe is that they don’t go with “their” narrative, and what “they” want the bible to accomplish.
On top of sleeping with men, I have a double whammy as far as it goes about getting into heaven. I on top of that wear women’s clothes and put on make-up, because my soul and brain say I’m a female. According to religious people, there are two and only two genders. They can’t wrap their little pea brains around the fact that gender is NOT the same as sex. In simple terms, sex refers to the biological differences between boys and girls, such as the genitalia and genetic differences. Gender, however, is more difficult to define, but it can refer to the role of a male or female in society, known as a gender role, or an individual’s concept of themselves, or gender identity. And to bewilder them more, who a person is attracted to has nothing to do with either, sex or gender.
Absolutely, all this is new, and has never been given scientific names, but the fact that gender is on a spectrum and not a SET standard boy or girl depending what you have between your legs isn’t. Transgender individuals, and others who aren’t in close-minded black and white categories, have eternally existed. We only just now are being noticed and validated. Something I discovered watching a documentary on the development of humans in the womb is, our genitalia (sex organs) develop before our brains fully develop. So it’s absolutely possible to have a penis with a girl’s brain. Our brains develop subsequently, yet everyone is so focused on, the penis and vagina. Yes, I mentioned it in case we have some folks who aren’t clever enough to understand. Facts are that depending on the levels of testosterone or estrogen in the mother’s body at the time the brain develops, determines how that baby will identify later in life. More testosterone? Boy brain. More estrogen? Girl brain.
I’m going to use myself as an example. I’m baking in my mother’s oven (uterus) at a pleasant toasty temperature. Sometime later this appendage drops down between my legs. This is when the doctor’s told my parents “YOU HAVE A BABY BOY”! Keep in mind my brain which declares that I am a boy or girl, what I enjoy, and how I’m going to be hasn’t indeed developed, however. For whatever reason at the time my brain cells began to develop; mamma had high estrogen levels in her amniotic fluid which I was floating in giving me a female’s brain. Along with feminine characteristics, and being attracted to men like a typical female. This malfunction in my development caused my brain and genitals not to sink up. No one knows, except one person, why this happened and that’s God.
Throughout my life and a lot since my transition, I’ve implored god to provide an answer to me why this had to happen to me. I’m 44 going on 45 years old, and to this day I’ve not received my answer other than the video I just talked about. It explains how it happened, but not why. I consider it a birth defect, but many transgender people disagree, so I merely say we’ll agree to disagree. The nut jobs who say it’s a mental illness possess no clue what they are talking about. I suffer mental illnesses, and being transgender isn’t one of them. Yeah, I have dysphoria, because of the body I was issued, but having a female’s brain doesn’t mean I’m mental. I don’t desire what happened to me to happen to anyone, but if I did it would be those people. They obtain no clue what it’s like being enclosed (TRAPPED) imprisoned, in a body that doesn’t belong to them. Take the most heterosexual male we can imagine, looking in the mirror he sees breasts and a vagina on his body looking through the only tiny windows in his prison cell, his eyes. Imagine what that would do to the most heterosexual male. It’s a life of misery, and one many try to kill themselves to escape. The bulling, and right out discrimination doesn’t help either. Hell I typically never leave my house, because I fear that I will run across the wicked person who hates girls like me and will execute me. That I talk about in therapy too. There was a time not too long ago I ended up in the hospital for almost two months, because I too tried to terminate my life. When I attempted suicide, it was for many reasons, but the primary thing that drove me there was because I was tired of the imprisonment.
So, do I think I’m going to heaven or hell? To be honest I have no clue, and when that day comes, and I ultimately get to see god face to face I’ll know. What I won’t do is go by what was drilled into my head by close-minded adults who think they comprehend everything. On my judgement day, I pray that I get to ask a few questions, but then again god will already know what I’m going to ask, and will answer them before I utter a word. What I believe is that the god I was enlightened about was a stern, but most of all an amorous god. I know that his earthly son Jesus Christ, died on the cross for my sins. Also, I know that I was born the way I am, and nothing or nobody will tell me otherwise. If God created me this way, how could he punish his own creation? That’s the vital thing I desire to grasp. I’m a good person deep in my soul. I’ve never executed anyone, well I’ve ne’er even been in a fight. I can’t stand confrontation and avert it as much as I can. However, if pushed I will stand my ground. I don’t steal, never cheated in school. I possess nothing but love in my heart, and when I do harbour hatred I do everything I can to forgive quickly and let it go. It will be up to my maker where I spend my eternity and more times than not, I wish that day would come tomorrow. No one but God will decide my eternal life or eternal suffering. NO ONE!
I write about this today because a few days ago I had a panic attack after talking to my friend, and the end of times got brought up. I do fear of going to hell just because who wants to burn for the rest of their life. The world is falling apart, and I know it won’t be long until we all face the wrath of what’s coming. Being told that I’m going to go to hell for most of my life I panicked when this topic was brought up. Now that I’ve written about this and have slept a few days, I know that this, like most things is out of my control. There’s nothing I can do, but plead for God’s mercy, and understanding. As I informed my friend, I need to buckle up buttercup, and enjoy the ride.
Falling asleep this morning around 11:30 a.m., my days and nights are twisted again. I was going to go and block Nicholas on my public page last night but I totally forgot so I’m going to achieve that when I’m done with this journal entry. If, I wouldn’t have messaged him today, I know that I wouldn’t have heard from him at all. It’s time to sever the strings, and open my heart to someone else. As I said yesterday, I’m so tired of holding onto hope, and him not being there when I pine for him the most. It saddens me that I’m no longer a priority, but at the same time he’s no longer a priority of mine. I don’t wait looking for messages anymore, and if I don’t message right back it doesn’t bother me. He clearly wants to be just friends until it’s convenient for him, and his convenience and mine remain two incompatible things. I will however, like I said, leave my phone open for communication especially with all this virus nonsense. When? I’m not quite sure, but soon I’ll restrict that too. I still care and have compassion for him, but his actions and behaviors have completely suffocated the flame of love. At this point, it would take a miracle on his part to ignite those flames again.
I’ve under no circumstances been in love with someone 25 years more senior than me, yet I see myself headed in that direction if I don’t start containing my feelings. I’m not quite sure how it will ever work, because of the thousands of miles between us, and a major language barrier, but the emotion of love is brewing inside me. I’ve never been in love with someone from another country, and I don’t even know how to surround my brain around it to be honest, it scares the you know what out of me. The bond that we have established is not sexual in nature, but rather a simply wanting to know everything about each other that we can learn. He speaks to me like NO OTHER man has and supports the decisions I’ve made to enjoy my life as authentically as possible. There’s nothing I desire from him other than the wonderful companionship I know he can offer and has offered up to this point. I absolutely wish he lived closer, so I could be with him and kiss his forehead. JP as I’ve said in the past, I’ll be your internet highway companion for as long as you’ll have me, and the future is in God’s hands.
Sweet Dreams Nadia Darlene Mazonis
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