My sister Lou has not been herself lately. She retains it in her head that she’s the only one of mothers children who act like an adult. Who has to take care of her brother and sisters. Yeah, she takes care of my younger brother who is, well never mind. He’s not in this but if he were he’d be right up Lou’s ass. Regardless, she’s prancing around on a tall horse talking herself up as if she has to rescue and take care of her three siblings. This is ludicrous and bizarre thinking on her part.
Besides Wolfie and my ex, I can’t seem to get JP out of my mind. He too plays peek a boo in my thoughts daily. I’m thinking there was something between him and I that I squandered away. Not that I regret my decision, but I often question if he would have been in the United States would I have thrown what we had away?
The distinct feeling of being orphaned is back, and it sucks. Once more, I don't feel like I belong anywhere or maintain a purpose. The past 4 months and 13 days have been an absolute nightmare. Wondering through life lonesome and sad, with no one to belong to.
Normally I eat sitting at the computer desk because it’s just extremely unpleasant to eat at the coffee table where Nicholas and I typically used to eat every night. If I had another table, I would already pitch this one. One of the legs on it is broken anyway from where Nicholas got angry at me and kicked the leg right off the table. Anyway, for some reason I found myself sitting in Nicholas’s seat eating on his side of the table. Totally triggered and nearly in tears I felt the need to text him.
Like every other time when I wake up, the first thing I do is check my phone. Going through all the notifications, missed calls from my sister, missed messages from people on Facebook, and the miscellaneous notifications from everywhere else. Then, I got to one of the last ones to open, and I instantly got light-headed as soon as I read his name.
Bless her soul, she said some of the nicest, kindest things to me. Nothing that anyone has said impacted me more than the words that she used. I now feel free, and like it’s okay to let go. Actually I know I have to let go because it’s a life or death choice. She made sure to tell me to let loose because the more I hung on, and had contact with him the bigger of a chance his crazy ass could flip and show up here to kill me. I did miss him on occasion today, and as soon as the wacko popped into my head, I brought forward the memory of him punching me in the eye, and pinning me to the ground trying to put his hands around my neck.
I slept most of the day today other than the few times I woke up to get something to drink and open my mouth and say things that I should have thought about before speaking. I tend to do this a lot lately and I’m going to start working on it. I have to, because the things I say sometimes have consequences and hurt other people’s feelings that I care about.
The ending of the dream is what hurts the most and has for many reasons. For as long as I can remember recognizing myself in a mirror, I have always looked at the reflection and asked myself, "who is this boy, guy, man, that I'm looking at"? The four years that I was with Nicholas I didn't do this. I felt validated for who I am. I thought he understood who I am. Now that he's gone I find myself looking in the mirror asking myself this again. It saddens me to hate the body god gave me. I've asked god a million times, why? It's even worse being enclosed in someone else's skin. No one will ever understand that feeling unless their transgender themselves.