After completing yesterday’s Journal entry, I laid down for the night. Angry with conflicting emotions, the response I got from my ex was still on my mind and aggravating me. Not only was falling asleep a task, staying asleep would prove to remain a challenge as well. A part of me was thrilled to receive the response that I managed to get when I asked my ex if he in fact was bothered after looking at the pictures. Next this other half of me absolutely wants to break down. How could nothing in those four pictures remind him of “me”, and more importantly remind him of “us?”
Two of the pictures were of our fur babies. One of our cats, Sebastian and Sylvester, curled up together on top of Fungus’s enclosure. The other one of Sebastian while he slept on the bench that went to my keyboard. The other two photos were of a puzzle that my ex and I put together, and one of a sunflower I grew on the front porch. When I initially received the pictures, the first emotions that came up in me were sadness and heartache. Seeing our babies sleeping on top of Fungus’s enclosure caused me a terrible feeling because they and daddy were no longer here. I went through my index of memories in my brain remembering where the enclosure was. Recalling the times when my ex was at work and I had to feed Fungus. Next I started reminding myself that my bed is presently located in the spot where that picture was captured. Completely heartbroken because none of them live here anymore, I’d go through this emotional roller coaster at the sight of each picture. The keyboard bench. My ex used to love overhearing me play the keyboard for him. The puzzle, I remember working for hours and us trying to get it done. We stowed it under the couch, so it wouldn’t get damaged. We had every intention to get it framed, but time would run out for us and that never got accomplished. Lastly was the picture of the front porch with the flowers and the sunflower. Seeing that picture transported me back to the feeling of comfort and stability. Our porch was beautiful and looked like a happy couple lived here. This caused me to miss him even more.
It’s legitimately not fair that I had to go back to these emotions and memories when he sent me the photos. Why was his experience different when he looked at them? When I asked why looking at the pictures bothered him, there was no mention of emotions or heartache. To him when he looked at them, they made him sad and mad he used to maintain a peaceful house. It prompted him to remember he no longer had that peaceful house in turn pissing him off. In addition, looking at them reminded him that he now lives back at home with his mother. Merely writing that pisses me off and irritates me. What about our memories? What about the love we shared? What about ANYTHING or ANYONE other than YOURSELF? Like I said, part of me is glad he responded to my question the way he did. It allowed me the heart to restrict him on the phone. Even now, it crushes my soul to know nothing he and I shared was going through his thoughts or heart.
Since I was up at the crack of dawn this morning, Wolfie and I chatted for a while before he hopped in the shower to get ready for work. Every time that my ex contacts me, or like the other day when I contacted my ex, I tell Wolfie the very next time we talk. It’s only proper I keep him informed every time my ex and I communicate. I genuinely want to assure him I no longer desire my ex and want him to be undoubtedly in on what I’m talking about with him. Wolfie said he thought I shouldn’t have impeded him on the phone so that way I didn’t stress myself out worrying about my ex. No matter how mad I realistically am at my ex, I will naturally worry about him until this coronavirus is under adequate control. He lives in the second most infected state and that’s frightening to me. May god express his masterful will in this horrifying situation.
Wolfies attitude about my ex and his expressed opinions on how he genuinely thinks I should properly deal with my ex, astonishes me. He’s gently told me a couple of times that he understands I still harbour feelings for my ex. Also saying that he’s going to give me time and space to work them out. I absolutely wish you knew mister that there realistically are no passionate feelings I possess for my ex. Memories are what I’m having a hard time disposing of. Still to this day if I willingly allow them to occupy my mind or by chance my ex presents me with pictures, that’s when I’m going to suffer a hard time. Therefore, the memories he and I shared are what haunts me. Not the love.
By: Beth Crowley Songwriters: Elizabeth Johnson Crowley
But they were empty words. Now I’m way too numb to ever let them hurt. You didn’t get the best of me. I rescued what was left of me. So, save it. You can keep your empty words.
You’re here, through crocodile tears you make your case describing how much you have changed. You’re sure, cause it’s always worked before, you can persuade me, you won’t doubt your feelings anymore. So confident, but you’ll be surprised it took awhile, but I can finally recognize. I’m so much better off with someone else who can see what they have when it’s right in front of them.
And won’t give me empty words, now I’m way too numb to ever let them hurt. You didn’t get the best of me. I rescued what was left of me. So save it. You can keep your empty words.
Don’t need your empty words, now I’m way too numb to ever let them hurt. You didn’t get the best of me. I rescued what was left of me, save it. You can keep your empty words.