Have you ever had enough of something that you just can’t take any longer?Anything? Well, I have and Nicholas, enough is enough!
I’ve deleted what I’ve written 4,854 times. Each time I try being as nice and polite as I can be. Yet, each time getting more pissed off because I shouldn’t have to be polite or nice. Especially to someone who is playing with my mind. This is my journal, and this is where I am allowed to come and let it out.
To some, what I’m about to say may be on the extreme side of things. Yes, I’d probably agree with you on most days. However in the past, to get over a relationship that has ended, this is where I have to go. If not, I’m not able to move on. Up until this point with Nick, I’ve refused to go here because I wanted to do things differently. What I’ve finally realized is that with Nick I’m going to have to go here.
Waking up this morning I was angry and disoriented. If my sister hadn’t come over, I would have still believed I’d died and woke up in an alternate universe. Most of the anger that I harbor is towards myself. Furious that I still allow this fool to blatantly play mind games with me? Why do I keep allowing it? Is it because of love? This doesn’t feel like love; I know what love feels like. I’m angry with myself because I’ll say in one breath I’m done with his bull shit, and in the next breath I’m in the state of mind that I’m currently in. Enough is enough!
This time I’ve actually had enough of it Nicholas! Mentally, I’m allowing you to check me into the nearest mental ward, and I’m not fighting back at all. Emotionally, I’ve already allowed you to mold me into someone completely unfamiliar to whom I was when we met. Without any elaboration, my body and heart can’t take it any longer. If I allow you to maintain this grip on me, then I’m allowing you to ruin me from within. This I won’t allow Nicholas, and for that reason, you are now dead to me.
Never will I text you again. Remember Nicholas; I’m not supposed to text dead people. Never again will I email you. Recall Nicholas; I’m not supposed to talk to the forgotten dead at all? Never again will I call you like I foolishly tried to tonight for the first desperate time in nearly 6 terrible months. Recall Nicholas; dead people aren’t supposed to talk. You restricted my main number and forwarded my secondary number. You dismissed all my desperate pleas to merely utter anything even if it inevitably was a get lost. In that very moment, I realized I was desperately trying to get a hold of a dead man. Enough is enough!
By foolishly allowing a dead person to affect me, in turn allowed him to rob me of my new hopes and dreams with Ricardo. For one moment, don’t think I’m unaware this was your ultimate end game. Even down to you being vocal on the video that inevitably affected me in the personal way that it did. You’re aware of what you’re executing, you’re a narcissist and manipulator just like your,……… never mind I’m not going to go there. All of it was intentional, and that was your last hoo raw at my emotional expense.
I’ve comfortably accommodated you enough Nicholas, and allowed enough of your head games. You are hereby DEAD to me!
Born October 11th, 1975 in a small township in Missouri. Reared by a stay-at-home mom and a furniture factory working stepdad. With three siblings plus myself all my parents could afford was a simple existence, but I wouldn’t exchange those days with anyone or for nothing. I’m second to the oldest child with an older sister who is three years my senior. A brother who is three years younger than me, and our baby sister who is three years younger than my brother. Twenty days after my twenty-first birth on Halloween 1996, we suffered the loss of our precious mother. Our lives were altered instantly. Nothing for me has been normal since. I've found a "new" normal yet it's nowhere near the same. When 2020 began, my mother was extremely near, and she hadn't left. It will be soon, and I'll be in her arms again.