After a two day relentless flood of excessive emotions and pent-up feelings, I evanesced into a world of technology and optimization. The familiar sound of a voice which caused the wound on my heart to bleed yesterday, happened to be the same sound today that comforted me. Why did William . . .
Have you ever been so focused and into something that the living world around you evanesced?
This is exactly what happened to me today, except for the few times I occasionally popped in and out of my intense concentration. There were moments when I remembered I was having conversations with people and would come back to earth long enough to send them a message. Through it all, I unbelievably know and understand SEO, and have a good grasp on how it works. Before stopping to write tonight’s journal entry, I was in the process of optimizing my website for search engines. S (search) E (engine) O (optimization). After I get my website optimized the next thing I’m going to study is the Analytics system. I’ve dabbled in it a bit, but desperately want to get lost in it just like I allowed myself to do with the optimization for search engines.
It was most likely the emotional day yesterday, and the journal entry last night that caused me to doggedly focus and learn SEO today. This allowed me to not think about my emotions that I know exist over hearing Nicholas’s voice. How do I know they exist? Because all day today, even as focused as I was, the musical tone of his voice sang in my heart all day. Like it was yesterday, I can remember listening to Nicholas sing in the car when a song he liked came on. A specific song comes to mind, and it’s a song by Lukas Graham called 7 Years. When this song came on and if he was in a pleasant mood, he would sing his heart out. Only if I appreciated then what I know right now, I would have told him just how much I loved listening to him sing.
When I need to find out any kind of political or world news I know where to turn too. A lot of times I don’t have to ask him, he’s just eager to provide me with information. William is the one who explained to me a lot about how the world and politics are intertwined, and ultimately he played a part in my cutting it out of my life. When we split up in 2015 and I stayed in Missouri, it was extremely unbearable to follow the news. Watching the news was something we did together, so I cut it out of my life. There were other reasons but that was the primary reason.
For some reason last night, I needed to ask William a question. I can’t remember for the life of me what it was but I messaged him asking him to call me. When the phone rang, I plucked it up thinking it was going to be a voice call like always. As soon as I picked it up, I noticed it was a video call. What in the hell, I suddenly got nervous and terrified. This could affect me and I possessed no clue how I was going to react. I have to admit it did me a lot of good. When I saw him talk so passionately and his eyes lit up and the smile on his face, it sent chills down my spine. Seeing his face for the first time in almost 5 years was refreshing. It felt like home. A secure and familiar place.
It was early this morning when I began to talk to William. He and I would speak off and on all day today. This day he was loaded with information, and I want to just record it real quick without going into too much detail. One thing he stated was that pastors are getting arrested for refusing to not have church. Arresting pastors? Just crazy! Also, the police are taking license plate numbers down of the cars in the parking lot. Anyone attending service and will be fined and punished through the mail. This is infringing upon our rights and if we don’t stand up and fight back our lives as we knew it was over. All because of a country, China, who messed up and remained silent for 6 weeks before they told the world that they released a super flu that would kill old people and anyone with conditions like heart problems and any one with weak immune systems.
In my opinion their leaders should be accused of war crimes. What they performed was a test of a biological weapon against the world. At the least they should be prosecuted and made to foot the bill of the cost this is costing the world. Under those circumstances they should be imposed with crimes against humanity. Gas prices are about to go up and so are milk prices. As if this all isn’t enough, there are three countries massing at the northern border of Israel. Things are about to get even worse and the world, even Americans are merely sitting down. Sitting in their homes listening for the orders of what they can and can’t do. This sadly isn’t America anymore.
Someone else who doesn’t like to hear me get all hyped up on politics or this virus hoax is Wolfie. He nor Nicholas want to hear it or have anything to do with it. When we at length discussed or issues this morning and cleared the air between us, he was getting ready to see a slice of my aggressive side. When I sent him a text message, and at the end of it using the phrase “Point Blank.” to get my point across to him, it read a bit bitchy. I was being a little bit saucy I thought, but he informed me that it was the prior. When I sent it, all I wanted to execute was the view that I had told him everything that was on my mind. After we chuckled a bit, I think it worked. Wolfie and I didn’t talk frequently for the rest of the day, just a message here and there like I did with my other two boys. When I asked him what he had achieved today, he said he cleaned the floors the house. After cleaning he prepared a huge meal. That’s one of many things I look forward to, and that’s his cooking. Tonight we didn’t talk as he laid in bed either. He told me just a minute ago that he fell asleep. So that I didn’t prevent him from going back to sleep, I didn’t respond. We will catch up in the morning.
After the past two emotional days, I reflect on the valuable lessons I’ve absorbed. One, never push and aggressively shove your uncomfortable feelings and personal emotions down to attempt and suppress them. Two, instead of lying to yourself just deal with the negative feelings of the terrible emotions and learn to cope with it no matter how painful it might be. Knocking heads with Wolfie this morning. Struggling desperately to make sense of my overwhelming love for Nicholas. Seeing William on a video call for the first time in five miserable years. What an emotional roller-coaster the past two days has been. After I get this journal entry posted, I’m going to evanesce back up into the SEO world. There is, despite everything, a ton of work to be done to get my journal website optimized for these search engines.The previous crawl I efficiently performed on my personal website, the organizational structure improved immensely and one other aspect. In addition, I absolutely can’t recall which one. The one I was working on before abandoning to record tonight represents the content aspect. I’ve been busting my brain trying to figure out where the duplicates were coming from, and I figured it out right before quitting. When I get back to it, I am carefully polishing it all up.
Born October 11th, 1975 in a small township in Missouri. Reared by a stay-at-home mom and a furniture factory working stepdad. With three siblings plus myself all my parents could afford was a simple existence, but I wouldn’t exchange those days with anyone or for nothing. I’m second to the oldest child with an older sister who is three years my senior. A brother who is three years younger than me, and our baby sister who is three years younger than my brother. Twenty days after my twenty-first birth on Halloween 1996, we suffered the loss of our precious mother. Our lives were altered instantly. Nothing for me has been normal since. I've found a "new" normal yet it's nowhere near the same. When 2020 began, my mother was extremely near, and she hadn't left. It will be soon, and I'll be in her arms again.