Every time I sit down to write, the first thing that pops into my head is my last relationship, so today I’m going to write Nicholas a letter. At first, I thought no, I can’t always be writing about a relationship that I want to go away, but then again, the whole reason I’m doing this journal is to get out all of my thoughts and feelings. Who knows, maybe my journal will become “Letters to a Man I used to Love”.
Yesterday was a sleepy day, one away from the computer and phone. Sometimes, I can get overwhelmed with all the notifications. Even simply looking atther people’s lives. On the downside, though, I could not make a journal entry. Every time I sit down to write, the first thing that pops into my head is my last relationship, so today I’m going to write Nicholas a letter. At first, I thought no, I can’t always be writing about a relationship that I want to go away, but then again, the whole reason I’m doing this journal is to get out all my thoughts and feelings. Who knows, my journal may become “Letters to a Man I used to Love”.
Hello there, how’s Mamma Turtles baby doing today? I hope that this letter finds you happy and well. There are so many things I want to say to you, but I have no clue where to begin. I’ve started this letter over about twelve times, and it’s starting to get on my nerves. I guess the first thing that I want to talk to you about is the day you blocked me on social media. As soon as I figured out what had happened that day, my stomach instantly felt sick. Not wanting to, but knowing you’d done what was best for me, I turned around and blocked you, to help you do the same thing, and that was to help us both to move on. This one simple action on both our parts is tearing me apart. My best friend and lover for four years is now a haunting memory in my heart and mind. It really sucks not knowing how your day was, it sucks not knowing how you’re doing emotionally, everything about this just sucks.
Another thing that I constantly think about is how you’re dealing with living with your deranged mother again? I’d have taken a million blows to the eye, to have you not have to end up with her ever again. She manipulates your mind Nicholas, and has to have complete control of your life, and has from what I can tell your whole life. Things I know can’t be ideal, and I wish you and Chawl would get a place together, so you’re on your own again. When you and I got our apartment, I can remember how happy and excited we both were. This was your first place on your own, and you were so happy not to be living with your mother any longer. When you and her have your next blow out, because I know ya’ll will. Remember just take a deep breath and walk away. She’s not worth you having a bad day. If, it ever gets too bad, take a drive and cool off. I know that you and I disagree when it comes to what I’m about to say, but it’s just what I saw at the end of our relationship. Yes, our neighborhood fell to shit, and you hated that my sister moved into the neighborhood. We both wanted things to change Nicholas, and our plans were to move at the beginning of the year. With that being said I believe in my gut that your mother, and grandfather had a ton to do with where your mind went in the end. They did not like that you and I were together, they hated that you lived so far away. Your step father said to my sister the day I picked you up at your house, he said that I would ship you back within six months. He said that I wouldn’t be able to deal with your bullshit. I think once your mother saw that we were going to last for who knows how long, she and your grandfather started to put stuff in your head. Beginning to believe what they were telling you, in the end, you were a totally different person than who I fell in love with. Manifesting in your head, all the words they kept repeating to you, started the beginning to the end of our love story. God only knows why the neighbor lied, and said you put your hands on her? God only knows why I called your grandfather when you drove off in the police car? Everything happens for a reason, I just wished I knew why things happened the way they did. Some times I wonder if I hadn’t called your grandfather that day, and just showed up to pick you up at the police station, what would have been the outcome. My gut says that if I had gone that route, I would probably have had a horrible fight on my hands, I guess that’s why I called him because I was scared of you.
How long could I make this letter? Pretty long, but I’m going to wrap it up right here. Nicholas, my love for you has changed. Even though I still care for you, and have compassion for you, I can honestly say that in four months I’ve fallen out of love. Not anytime soon, but later down the road I hope that you and I can be friends. I’ve always said that I could never be friends with one of my ex’s, however, now I know that’s not true. My first partner, and I are friends, and my second partner, and I are friends. One day, I pray you allow me to be your friend. I want to apologize for the bad things I’ve said about you, and the unnecessary posts about the size of your manhood. That was done out of anger, and pure heartache. Please forgive me. I will go today and take them down. It’s time that I myself be an adult, and not a hurt little girl. Until next time Baby Turtle, take care.
Born October 11th, 1975 in a small township in Missouri. Reared by a stay-at-home mom and a furniture factory working stepdad. With three siblings plus myself all my parents could afford was a simple existence, but I wouldn’t exchange those days with anyone or for nothing. I’m second to the oldest child with an older sister who is three years my senior. A brother who is three years younger than me, and our baby sister who is three years younger than my brother. Twenty days after my twenty-first birth on Halloween 1996, we suffered the loss of our precious mother. Our lives were altered instantly. Nothing for me has been normal since. I've found a "new" normal yet it's nowhere near the same. When 2020 began, my mother was extremely near, and she hadn't left. It will be soon, and I'll be in her arms again.