The distinct feeling of being orphaned is back, and it sucks. Once more, I don't feel like I belong anywhere or maintain a purpose. The past 4 months and 13 days have been an absolute nightmare. Wondering through life lonesome and sad, with no one to belong to.
Good Day to everyone! I absolutely want to thank each person who has taken the time to follow my life. It’s a relatively ordinary life, but one I wouldn’t replace with anybody.
As you have typically read, most of my journal entries by heart are about the unique relationship between Nicholas and myself. A unique relationship, being the first after my gender transition. It’s taking longer than I thought to get over, but with God’s help I know I’ll be capable to abandon it all in the past. Don’t forget. After reading an entry, you are more than welcome to hit the like button. You also may submit a comment or follow my journal. Once more, thank you for your support.
After yesterday’s journal entry, I promptly checked a few things on social media and went to bed. That was around 6 a.m. this morning, and I slept soundly the entire day waking up around 10 p.m. tonight. As a result, what does one write about when they were unconscious for the entire day? Not dreaming of anything, I can’t write about that. I did get wakened up a few times by my lovely sister needing to borrow my car, and the neighbor knocking on the door, but that’s nothing worth writing about either. When I wake up the last thing on my conscious mind when falling asleep, is routinely the first thing on my mind when I wake up. Last night, properly this morning when I finally laid down what was precisely on my mind was my previous relationship and how I’m undoubtedly having such difficulty permitting it go away. Going over each little detail genuinely trying to figure out what I could have done differently. I ended up with the same answer each and every time I proposed that key question to myself. That direct answer was nothing.
As I was just writing, something did come to mind, but it’s too late now and I’m not going to beat myself up over it. On the 8th of November the night before the tragic morning of the 9th, I refused to sleep in the bed as I normally did. We were fighting that day, and I just didn’t feel like being that close to him. When he came into the living room where I had slept, I woke up and asked him “How did you sleep?” That’s what started our argument causing the neighbor to come around to check on me. That, in turn, caused the ripple effect which put him in jail. If I had only known that the following morning would be the last time, I ever saw his face; I would have laid in bed and never let him get up. Changing the past is impossible, so I’m going to let what I just remembered come and go.
Back to waking up tonight, and what was on my agile mind. Often times I manage to get side tracked in the physical world, and my active brain is no exception to achieving the same thing. When I woke up, instead of asking questions about what I could have done otherwise, I was yelling at my self. RESOLVE IT ALREADY! WHO SINCERELY CARES! Clearly I do, but I don’t want to anymore. Around 6 p.m. I woke up to use the restroom, and before laying back down I checked my mobile phone. As might be expected Nick had messaged and of course I replied back. The message included a lovely picture of something that instantly reminded me of the past. Yet another precious memory thrown up in my face. As I was falling back to sleep, I told myself that obstructing him everywhere remains the only way to prevent this never ending torture.
Once I was done yelling at myself after waking up for the night, I got up and naturally headed to my computer. After eating two bowls of cereal, I went to see if I could finally block his personal account again. Yesterday, when I finally went to bar him from my public Facebook Journal page, I had to unblock his personal account which I had already blocked. Facebook wouldn’t allow me to block a person who I personally had blocked. As a result, I unblocked his personal profile and immediately blocked him on my Journal page. At present I have to wait 48 hours to block his personal profile again. Tomorrow or later today I’ll be capable of achieving that, but then I have my phone to restrict him from. That’s where I’m undoubtedly going to have the most difficulty. Am I going to be able to possess the heart to complete that? That’s the question.
Candidly, I don’t think I will. With his health not being the best at the moment, and this damn coronavirus going around I’m terrified that he’s going to contract it. Living in New Jersey, with millions of people his chances are reasonably high. On top of that his step father is an EMT driver. He’s already transported one sick person with it and I’m sure there will be more. If I were to block him everywhere and God forbid he, acquires this rare virus and dies? That would annihilate me. Living with the fact of being unable to say good bye to him before he exits this world would literally kill me. I’d be so depressed that I would never get out of bed. When he left, I yielded 40 pounds, him dying I’d wither away to skin and bones. All I can do is seek divine guidance from God. I’ve already prayed about this a million times with no results, but I have to indeed keep praying. Today is easier than day one was so I’m appreciative for that, but I’m prepared to move on completely.
Yesterday I wasn’t excessively in the mood to talk to many people online, and well today I slept all day. Tonight I HAVE to go reply to JP’s messages. I know he’s probably worried about me and I need to assure him that I’m okay. There is another terrific guy that I’ve been talking to through Facebook who I’ve positively come to appreciate very much. However, there’s nothing in this world I want more than and that’s my Nicholas back. Not witnessing this happen anytime in the near future, I genuinely need to move on and wisely let him, and our fond memories go. There’s no way possible if I don’t, to ever be able to fully allow someone else in to consume my heart. Doing so would be unfair to them and the relationship. Both JP and this new guy typically read my journal, so they comprehend what I’m dealing with and all I can do is politely ask for necessary patience.
Legitimately thought I was done writing for today however a key question just ran through my active mind, and I want to record it. Why do you think you have to or need to be in a relationship? My answer to that is simplistic, yet complex. In a candid answer I’d say because living life alone is dull and boring. In a complex answer I’d properly say because I have no parents or extended family. Don’t get me wrong, I love my siblings and including them in my life means the world to me. When my dear father died, I was still in high school, and I was only 21 when my dear mother passed away. So, l naturally lost my parents and by this time I was at present in an unforbidden relationship according to my extended family so they pretty much had nothing to do with me anymore. Once I transitioned, the extended family told me they would never accept calling me by my chosen name, so I mourned them and now they are no longer considered family. Before my mother passed away around the time we found out she was undoubtedly dying, I latched onto my civil partner tightly. When we received the dreadful news that mamma was dying, he clung to me and conveyed to me that he would do anything that would promptly make me the most comfortable.
We instantly moved to Florida, because I genuinely wanted to run away from the nightmare that was taking place at home. On October 31st 1996, early in the morning my sister called to inform me that mom was gone. Orphaned by my entire blood family I no longer had anyone except John. That’s where the “need” for a relationship began. It’s not a pleasant feeling when you don’t belong to a family, so the next best thing in my mind was to belong to my partner. Over the next 26 or 27 years I would stay comfortably in a relationship up until November 9th, 2019. Presently all I enjoy is my siblings who I should be content with but something is missing. The distinct feeling of being orphaned is back, and it sucks. Once more, I don’t feel like I belong anywhere or maintain a purpose. The past 4 months and 13 days have been an absolute nightmare. Wondering through life lonesome and sad, with no one to belong to.
Sweet Dreams Nadia Darlene Mazonis
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