Not one to hide from the truth, I know it's outta my hands, but I won't let you go there's no replacing the way you touched me, I still feel the rush. Sometimes it drowns me 'til I can't breathe, thinking it's only in our memories but, then I talk to you like I did then in conversations that will never end.
Bless her soul, she said some of the nicest, kindest things to me. Nothing that anyone has said impacted me more than the words that she used. I now feel free, and like it’s okay to let go. Actually I know I have to let go because it’s a life or death choice. She made sure to tell me to let loose because the more I hung on, and had contact with him the bigger of a chance his crazy ass could flip and show up here to kill me. I did miss him on occasion today, and as soon as the wacko popped into my head, I brought forward the memory of him punching me in the eye, and pinning me to the ground trying to put his hands around my neck.
If it were anyone else I know what I would do, but this is my baby sister. I will handle this delicately and with a clear mind, which I do not have at the present time. All I know is that I’ve been losing a lot of important people in my life lately and it’s really starting to hurt. My mind says cut her out but my heart says something else. The war between heart and mind is starting to make me feel all alone.
After Nicholas and I were connected again on social media, I did find someone that was a big part of our online romance in the beginning. I had just began to transition and was a member of a transgender support group. That’s where he and I met. There were a lot of people in this group that were supporters and allies of the transgender community, and we got to know a few of them, and they supported our new blossoming love. When I saw her name in his friends list I immediately sent her a friend request, and we picked up as if we hadn’t lost contact with one another.
It’s funny how things happen, because if my friend had never messaged me, I would have been in the house all day talking to myself. My sister-in-law went to Arkansas when she got off work this morning, so she was gone. My sister and I aren’t talking so there wasn’t a chance she was going to pop by. It would have been a long lonely day, but instead my buddy was here with me, and we talked about EVERYTHING imaginable.
Valentines Day, a day supposed to be dedicated to love and romance. Both things that I was without this year but who cares. I sure don’t. I thought, however, for some crazy reason that I would have heard from my ex today, but I didn’t. This gave me mixed emotions. On one hand, it made me sad, on the other made me feel good, because I knew he was feeling strong enough not to reach out just like I was. It was extremely hard but I too managed not to contact him.
What I enjoy most of all is the feeling of optimism. I’ve been so down for the past three months that it seemed like my world was crashing down around me. Being optimistic is such a wonderful feeling to my soul, and I’m starting to feel comfortable being alone.
I made myself a pan full of fried potatoes, onions, and two sunny-side up eggs to smother the top with. As I’ve said before my kitchen was a spot in the house that I’ve had trouble going into much less cooking a meal. For some reason this morning was completely different. It was as though I took my kitchen back. There were no sad memories, no horrible feelings, it was great, and I once again enjoyed cooking.
I slept most of the day today other than the few times I woke up to get something to drink and open my mouth and say things that I should have thought about before speaking. I tend to do this a lot lately and I’m going to start working on it. I have to, because the things I say sometimes have consequences and hurt other people’s feelings that I care about.