Journal Entries

Karma The Stinker

I have to keep it short and to the point with him if I’m going to get better myself. It’s really hard being this way, but I’m on a mission to move on, and get over him so this is the new way I’m going to handle any future contact I have with him. If there’s something I can do to help, I will, if not, I’m going to go about my day. On a side note though I will say Karma is a stinker.

Footnote To A Message

Image Credit: Google I feel like I need to talk about something after rereading the message I sent to Nicholas. Let me say that I should have never compared my love for one person, over another. Both of these people…

Dreams Of Being Trapped

The ending of the dream is what hurts the most and has for many reasons. For as long as I can remember recognizing myself in a mirror, I have always looked at the reflection and asked myself, "who is this boy, guy, man, that I'm looking at"? The four years that I was with Nicholas I didn't do this. I felt validated for who I am. I thought he understood who I am. Now that he's gone I find myself looking in the mirror asking myself this again. It saddens me to hate the body god gave me. I've asked god a million times, why? It's even worse being enclosed in someone else's skin. No one will ever understand that feeling unless their transgender themselves.

No Call No Show

for post no call no show on my favorites blast from the past cell phone with stop sight
I didn't expect anything first thing this morning because that is not how "friends" operate, and I was made to understand very clearly yesterday that we were only friends. I did on the other hand think that he would say hello at some point and maybe show me his new drivers license that he got today, I thought he would be excited about finally being a New Jersey resident again, and want to show his new picture off.

Friend Zoned

post image for friend zoned in my favorites blast of the past
Yesterday I was forcibly placed into the Friend Zone and told I should be content with staying just his friend. Therefore, this morning I didn't expect to get a text or anything. That's not how "friends" operate, correct? I did however think he would say hello at some point today. Maybe share with me his new drivers license that he got today? I thought he would be excited about finally being a New Jersey resident again.


boundaries entry on my favorites page love moment and energy of moment
I don’t want him to tell me good morning if he doesn’t want to. I don’t want him to feel like he has to tell me goodnight if he doesn’t want to. Most importantly, which he’s shown a great deal of resistance to is saying I love you. If, he is having problems saying it, I’d rather not hear it.

Good Bye Mark

sun shinning through two hands shaped heart header graph for good by mark february 2020
In the end, I'll make the best decision for myself. I need to go back to the mindset I had in 2015. I decided to transition, with or without Woody my partner of 13 years. During that time I was strong and decided to do what would make me happy instead of thinking about someone else's feelings. I was called selfish because I didn't discuss it with him but ultimately I decided to do something for myself.

Stipulations Of Love

On to the second thing he is requesting has to happen. We have to have our own cars. A little back story on this matter. When we got together and decided to purchase a new car because the one he had was dying slowly, we traded it in as the down payment for the vehicle we had at the time of our break up. The car was $10,000, and they gave him $2,000 for his car as a trade in. That left us owing $8,000 WHICH I PAID EVERY DOLLAR OF with my money that I didn't bring in according to his family.