Besides Wolfie and my ex, I can’t seem to get JP out of my mind. He too plays peek a boo in my thoughts daily. I’m thinking there was something between him and I that I squandered away. Not that I regret my decision, but I often question if he would have been in the United States would I have thrown what we had away?
This evening has been a thousand percent better than the way my day started. My sisters and I ate our spaghetti dinner and after that we hung out and communicated for a while. One of the conversations we had was about my ex. As you would expect, I would be the one to introduce him into conversation. It seems like no matter what I do or how happy I am, he inevitably seems to peek a boo in my thoughts. Even though I’ve blocked his phone number, I nevertheless go and examine my blocked messages every day. Why do I do this? I’m so not in love with him any more. Terrified to death of him, I’d under no circumstances be with him alone again. He holds so much resentment for me that the first argument or disagreement we had I’d get my ass kicked if not killed. So, why do I go and check to see if he’s messaged me? Before long my nephew called my sister, he needed her to come home to help him with something. We said our goodbyes and she was out the door.
Obviously the reason I brought him up this evening was I had been thinking about him a lot since I blocked him. How is he doing? Is he and everyone else in his house healthy? Knowing he lives in the second most coronavirus infected state in America frightens me. All I can do is pray for him which makes me feel helpless.The big question is, when he does finally message me, if he does, will I be strong enough to ignore him? I’d say right now if I checked my blocked messages and there was one from him, probably not. However, the longer he stays blocked and the longer he doesn’t message me the stronger I’ll be. At that point the sole way I’d respond to him is if he said he was dying.
When I first informed Wolfie that I finally blocked my ex, he told me I shouldn’t have. Not sure exactly what he remarked, but it was something like he’d rather me talk to him than to see me stress over him. He went on to say he knew that there were feelings I needed to resolve before cutting my ex off. Do I? At this point I thought I resolved my feelings for him over and over again. When I received the response from my ex that I did in our final messages, it squashed everything I identified with him. Or did it? How this man obtains this insight and already grasps who I am as a person, simply amazes me.
Wolfie and I didn’t talk too frequently this evening because he had things to accomplish around the house. One day I hope that I can be there to assist him with housework and maybe one day yard work. It would be charming to enjoy a modest routine life with this brilliant man. Up to this point we’ve spoken barely about the giant mountain that we are now climbing. However, it did come up in a roundabout way tonight. Not a lot was figured out or discussed, and if we are referring to feet advanced up this mountain I’d say we moved half an inch. I’m going to remain optimistic and patient about this journey and exclusively think of a favorable outcome.
Besides Wolfie and my ex, I can’t seem to get JP out of my mind. He too plays peek a boo in my thoughts daily. I’m thinking there was something between him and I that I squandered away. Not that I regret my decision, but I often question if he would have been in the United States would I have thrown what we had away? This gentleman obviously made an enormous impression on me, and I can’t seem to stop thinking about him. The last time I wrote about JP I had received one email from him. I never did get around to reading it before another one came in. Tonight I will again attempt to read and respond to these emails. It’s only fair to him if I do. With all this craziness going on with this virus, I genuinely worry about him. France is the sixth most infected country with 4,032 deaths, which is fourth highest in the world. I’m anxious to find out how he’s been.
As I introduce this concluding section which is about myself I desired it to be positive and uplifting. However, it’s unfathomable for me to talk eagerly about working relentlessly on my lifelong goals, hopes and dreams when I truly feel like the world is forever changed from this damn virus. Specific goals? Other than Wolfie they all have been put on hold until we find out what the modern world is advancing to look like after the corrupt politicians and elite media get done with it. Absolutely, the engineered virus is spreading, but it’s the wealthy people in direct control of the key message that’s undoubtedly doing the most damage. Hopes? God I sincerely hope the coronavirus doesn’t cause the world that we live in to be drastically changed. Dreams? Conscientiously, I dream of a lot, but none of them will come true if the possible scenarios in my head play out. All I’m desperately attempting to assert is I genuinely feel like my personal life has been put on pause. Everything that I eagerly anticipated and carefully considered is preserved in time in front of me. When will this humanitarian nightmare be over? They say nervously the quarantine will be cautiously lifted on April 30th, that remains to be seen.
Born October 11th, 1975 in a small township in Missouri. Reared by a stay-at-home mom and a furniture factory working stepdad. With three siblings plus myself all my parents could afford was a simple existence, but I wouldn’t exchange those days with anyone or for nothing. I’m second to the oldest child with an older sister who is three years my senior. A brother who is three years younger than me, and our baby sister who is three years younger than my brother. Twenty days after my twenty-first birth on Halloween 1996, we suffered the loss of our precious mother. Our lives were altered instantly. Nothing for me has been normal since. I've found a "new" normal yet it's nowhere near the same. When 2020 began, my mother was extremely near, and she hadn't left. It will be soon, and I'll be in her arms again.