I’m The Ringmaster of My Life
When I began this journal in February, writing came to me easily. Suddenly, it’s as though the words I want to say are barricaded behind an impenetrable wall. Is it writer’s block, or an emotional block? As the ringmaster of my life, I should be in control. Whatever the problem is, I need it to go away.
All Fear Is Gone
When I started my online journal 3 months ago, I was apprehensive. At the time, I was uneasy about giving people front row seats to my three-ring circus. My myriad of emotions carefully playing on the trapeze, and my intimate opinions darting around in a circle like monkeys on miniature motorcycles. Disturbingly, these are my monkeys, and this is my circus.
That wasn’t the exclusionary factor that I was afraid of. In addition, there was the original issue of not being an author. Realistically, being a distinguished novelist, I realized wouldn’t happen, echoing like a baboon which found a keyboard was my worry. The challenge I accepted and asked myself was, could I comprehensively communicate through writing all my crazy thoughts and passions. With no scripting background, and not entirely grasping them myself, I wasn’t convinced that I could successfully pull it off.
For 5 years, when I would think about starting a published journal, these two things would repeatedly paralyze me. One, embarrassed about being hyperemotional, two, the genuine fear of being laughed at. For some apparent reason, however, 3 months after the emotional separation with my fiancé, these two things didn’t matter to me anymore. Why this is I’m uncertain, however, it was a profound relief. Finally, I could launch into something that would be beneficial to my mental health.
In the beginning, when I started writing, my thoughts and emotions flowed out effortlessly. Out of my imaginative mind to my fingers, like water rushing out of a pinned up damn. Lately, it’s been the complete opposite. My thoughts are short firing and racing all over the place. My overwhelming emotions are stunned to a point of not knowing how to feel. With everything that’s been going on with my ex, this doesn’t surprise me in the least.
Either I have writer’s block, or I’m suffering from an emotional block. Whichever it is, I need it to end. Having all these racing thoughts and emotions in my rattling head is too much. It’s irritating me, being unable to clear them in writing. Up to this point, writing in my journal has been beneficial to my mental health. Now, with this blockage, it’s harming my mental stability.
Carefully moving past a writer’s block, I would think taking a break would be sufficient. Therefore, I’ve been doing just that. This emotional block, if that’s what’s going on, I do not understand where to start. For many years, I’ve been conscientiously working on the ability to manage my emotions. If I can remember I’ve never kept absolute control of them. They’ve been in the driver’s seat my entire life, and I’m at a terrible loss on how to take the wheel.
A thought just popped into my head. Don’t you love it when that happens? Conceivably, it’s neither writer’s block nor an emotional block that’s preventing me from expressing myself openly. This started after my ex engaged in his little mind game with me. Could this have made the reasons, “fears” that originally prevented me from starting my journal in the first place return? I’ve never understood why those fears left, so who’s saying his mind game didn’t cause them to resurface? If this is in fact the reason, I steadfastly refuse to cower down. Especially to fears drummed up by a narcissistic fool.
Those fears were unreasonable. Also, they aren’t necessary. Not wanting to experience my life through a lens of fear, I started working on that, and have achieved some success. For that reason, I will not allow this or him to set me back. To think he could cause my blockage makes me nauseous. The question is, will I willingly grant him this much power and mental control over me?
As the ringmaster of my circus and these monkeys, there’s not a chance in hell. Pack your bags, I have retired your act.
Nadia Darlene Mazonis