Why Can’t I Let You Go?
I'm terrified that if or when I let them go the nightmare I'm currently living will get worse. Even thinking about letting them go in fact makes me want to check myself into a hospital for observation. With my history I know I'm capable of doing something stupid. On top of all that, if I change my last name to get rid of the Mazoins name, and abandon all our hopes, dreams and goals in the past. My burning question is who would I be?
It’s driving me insane that I can’t let go of a relationship that ended over 4 months ago.
Honestly, I’m getting tired of writing about it. When I started this journal, it was so I would have a place to go, to “release” the residual feelings I had for Nicholas. As the days and months fly past me, there are days like today that I feel like I’m standing back at square one. When I came across the passage below, the words spoke to me. From a book by Freya North called Chances, it perfectly describes some of the same feelings that I harbor. Feelings I can’t let go of.
She’s finding it hard to cope – her hopes have been dashed, the future she dreamed about has gone and she’s scared about that. There’s nothing in its place. She wants you back. She doesn’t want to let go of everything it meant to her. Because the world seems horribly big and empty. Because the future is a very frightening concept when you’d previously planned on sharing it with someone. Because she’s a girl, she’s a romantic and she fears if she lets go of her dream, she’ll live a nightmare. Because she has a hope and she fears if she lets her hope go, who will she be? The effort, the pain of clinging on is preferable to the wide-open fear of letting go.” Freya North, Chances
As I put together what I’m about to undoubtedly write it seems like I just keep repeating myself. However, believe it or not it helps me. When Nicholas and I went through the process of legally changing my name, I remember I was going to take my mother’s middle name Darlene and her maiden name. At this point in our relationship, we already had a bond that no one could penetrate. When I was filling out the paper work to take to the courthouse, I wrote down my first name which was easy. Middle name Darlene because I wanted a part of my mother with me, and then I was at the last name. Nicholas and I at this point had a conversation about if I should go with my mothers maiden name or possibly use his. He didn’t force me or propose I did, but I seen an eager desire in his sky-blue doubtful eyes when he sheepishly asked me would I indeed consider using the Mazonis name. He genuinely seemed kind of surprised that I would conceivably assume his last name. Ultimately, our practical reasoning for me assuming the Mazonis name was undoubtedly we planned on getting properly married, and this would save us decent money in the future. No need to pay for this name change and have to turn around and pay for another one down the road. That was our “reasoning.”
As I’ve stated, our bond was impenetrable but it was getting ready to be sealed for life. On the day of my hearing, we went in and sat in the back row of the courtroom. I was incredibly nervous that the judge was going to crack a joke or say some other trans phobic remark. With my last name starting with Y like most of my life I knew I was going to be last or next to last which soothed my nerves. We were the last ones sitting in the courtroom when he called out my birth name. This sent chills down my spine, not that I hate the familiar name but I undoubtedly knew the presiding judge was going to be shocked. When I walked up to his podium, he asked me if I was the guardian of the male whom he called? Answering very quietly because of my nerves I stated “no sir I represent the person you called.”Confused for a minute that a woman would approach him when he clearly called a boy’s name, he asked me why I wanted to change my name. As I provided him my answer, he started striking the keys on his computer. What I stated was because my name no longer matched with the way I look. Looking up from his computer and over at me and back to his computer, then back at me, he replied undoubtedly “Miss it sure doesn’t.”What he had investigated was my drivers license photo and was shocked. When the judge out loud stated that my birth name was legally now my chosen name I almost cried, but I didn’t. There was no way I was going to appear weak in front of such a formidable man. There are two reasons why I cried the first time I was solitary. One, now my name matched my gender and no longer would I have to answer to a males name when I clearly look and act like a woman. Two, my dear soul and loyal heart were now bonded and sealed shut permanently with Nicholas inside
Having his last name messes with me yet it provides me a considerable amount of comfort. Our little Mazonis family consisting of him and me along with our babies, Sebastian Picasso Sylvester and Coal, who are all cats. Fish, who received names but the only ones that come to mind are Puff and Pudge. Next there was Fungus the iguana and a snake who didn’t have a name. Nicholas and I had hopes, dreams and goals. We accomplished a great deal in the four years that we were together. If things hadn’t happened the way they concluded, we were going to try to buy our first house in January or February. If we couldn’t purchase we were going to move in to a rental home. We had out grown our apartment and wanted to move up from where I’m left today. Empires are vast, and some people might laugh, but on November 9th Nicholas and I lost our empire. Everything that we shared materialistically and emotionally, our hopes and dreams were ripped right away from us.
So, I believe the reason why I’m having such a hard time coping is that all my hopes for Nicholas and I have been taken away from me. My future with him the one I dreamed about is gone. He had promised to care for me in my old age and now that’s gone too which scares me. There’s no one to occupy his place and at this point I don’t want anyone else. There’s only one person I want back and that’s Nick. It’s like I’m refusing to let go of all this because it meant so much to me. My heart made it’s final stop in 2015 when we initially said I love you. With everything that’s going on in the world, this virus and other vicious acts, the world seems so big. Yet, the world I live in now feels so empty. Who fathoms what the future holds, but what I can state about it is I’m frightened of whats to come, and I’m more than likely going to face it alone. Just the other day I wrote after my panic attack that “our” plan was to bug out in the mountains if things in the world went crazy. Now I have to do it alone. What irritates me is that he likely doesn’t even think about little things like this, but since I’m a girl I do. Scared to death of letting go what future plans he and I made. Our hopes and dreams, I’m terrified that if or when I let them go the nightmare I’m currently living will get worse. Even thinking about letting them go in fact makes me want to check myself into a hospital for observation. With my history I know I’m capable of doing something stupid. On top of all that, if I change my last name to get rid of the Mazoins name, and abandon all our hopes, dreams and goals in the past. My burning question is who would I be?